He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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