Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Randomize
