the condom got lost in my hair
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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