her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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