one two three fourrrrnication!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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