In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
