I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
