The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
