where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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