When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
