im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My brain says no but my pants say off.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
