my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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