Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
