I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
