I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
