someone threw a dead crab at me
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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