omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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