Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
