4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't deserve a penis
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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