you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
