Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
