My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
