The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
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