Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
