Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
