dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
