all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
