Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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