i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
