i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
