just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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