I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
