i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
