True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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