Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
