I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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