They should really pass out barf bags in church
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Shame - the story of my life.
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