I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
