My boss' voice literally gives me gas
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
