my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
