What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize