11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
