I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
