just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
