The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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