gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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