The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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