I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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