I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
