he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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