Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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