I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
