I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ketchup is God's man juice
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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