We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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