i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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