u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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